I'm still not back to regular posting.
I'm still not back to being myself.
Too many voices fighting inside my head. Some of them are my actual thoughts. Others are derived from conversations with others.
I can't decide which ones are actually real or an extension of my own insecurities.
I have gone to a different dark place to one I existed in before. I'm now in a place where I'm mindlessly eating half to a hole packet of biscuits (I've never been a biscuit fan - too salty), I'm getting crisps and chocolate out of the vending machine - not something I've ever really done.
It's almost like I'm trying to suffocate myself with my own skin. I can feel it getting heavier and slower.
There is now a concerted effort when I walk to not waddle. I do not want to be that person.
Here is the crux of my sickness. I would love to change it now. I know how to change it. Right now the want to change it is lacking.
I could sit and I could cry on command a lot of the time right now.
I'm tired inside and out.
Even though I'm heavier than I've been in a long time I look drawn. I'm pale and anaemic, low and lethargic, my hair is starting to fall out again.
I don't want to moan about my lot in life. I want to be that person that shines a light on the good things, however I'm not finding much that shines in my day-to-day.
Hopefully I will spot my personal rainbow soon and the dark clouds blocking out the sun and blue skies will stream in again.
Until then I will post sporadically.
You can find me on Twitter and Instagram @whatbeebeedid