My Life Monday: Decision Making

When faced with despair, there can only be a decision to be made.

To I rise above it, or do I sink to the bottom of the pit.

I'll put my hands up and admit I have been sinking. I've been sinking fast.

I am starting to turn a corner, at last. It's going to be hard work, but I am going to pull myself out from underneath the chasm I have been hiding under.

First in this step is starting to care for me again. Rather than the opinions that others may have of me. I can't change those, I can't change me. I can however be the best me I can be. At home, at work and online.

I have downloaded some inspirational books to my phone and I will take baby steps from here, and with summer coming up I may even get to grow my nails - for a little bit at least.

A Place of Positivity

I'm still not back to regular posting.

I'm still not back to being myself.

Too many voices fighting inside my head. Some of them are my actual thoughts. Others are derived from conversations with others.

I can't decide which ones are actually real or an extension of my own insecurities.

I have gone to a different dark place to one I existed in before. I'm now in a place where I'm mindlessly eating half to a hole packet of biscuits (I've never been a biscuit fan - too salty), I'm getting crisps and chocolate out of the vending machine - not something I've ever really done.

It's almost like I'm trying to suffocate myself with my own skin. I can feel it getting heavier and slower.

There is now a concerted effort when I walk to not waddle. I do not want to be that person.

Here is the crux of my sickness. I would love to change it now. I know how to change it. Right now the want to change it is lacking.

I could sit and I could cry on command a lot of the time right now.

I'm tired inside and out.

Even though I'm heavier than I've been in a long time I look drawn. I'm pale and anaemic, low and lethargic, my hair is starting to fall out again.

I don't want to moan about my lot in life. I want to be that person that shines a light on the good things, however I'm not finding much that shines in my day-to-day.

Hopefully I will spot my personal rainbow soon and the dark clouds blocking out the sun and blue skies will stream in again.

Until then I will post sporadically.

You can find me on Twitter and Instagram @whatbeebeedid

A New Day

Again I've had a break.

I have to admit I've not been on my best game of late.

It is a new day and I'm going to try and take each day as it comes. 

I've been lucky today and have had the opportunity to potter around in the Princess Garden and be fairly calm. Be thankful for small things. 

What Beebee Has Been Doing

So what exactly have I been up to?

I've read a lot. Reviewed a fair bit for my day job. Including a Book of the Week.

I've been on two cubs camps. Successfully killed my car and camera and then somehow this week managed to get the summer cold to end all summer colds.

I didn't get my bathroom decorated, however my patio did get sorted out.

I'm also now a proud owner of a polytunnel aka the Thunder Dome.

I'm still planning on decorating the dye-splattered walls, however getting the Battletram back on the road is currently my main priority.

Argh The Stress!!!!

Regular readers will have noticed my blaring absence from the bloggiesphere of late. 

I've been so busy it is unreal. 

I don't think I have had a full evening at home in the last month and a half. 

It all started to get complicated with Cub camp back at the end of May, then I had another Cub camp last week and in between my car broke. 

I have well and truly killed the engine. The car thing means I am relying on so many people right now until I can get it fixed. 

One friend is driving me to work every day. I work 14 mile from home in a town that isn't linked to mine by public transport. In fact to get to work by bus or train I would have to go 30 miles away from work to get a route to go back. Got to love rural Yorkshire!

I've have fallen off the Dieting Rollercoaster too. Something about working 10 hour days leads me to sugar like nothing else. I'm currently on a 10 hour office day 4 days a week, then a reduced Friday at present. I'm entering week 2, it feels like a month already!

I've generally been a bit of a grump. 

This being said I am bringing myself round and will be starting to write again! Yey she said, boo they said. 

Speak soon. 

Also if there are any things you would like me to write about, let me know below.